i have not been updating this blog for so long now that im a lost of words on how to begin this post...


i have worked on my proposal finally! and i went to see my supervisor about it.

i have tons of mistakes and errors in my literature review section but my introduction and statement of problem was all right, i just need to fix some things here and there, other than that ive nothing to worry about in that section nor do i have anything to worry about for my methodology part of he proposal, but ima need to change some info coz' ive thought about hoe to collect my data; target informants and such almost every day, and ive decided that i was too ambitious before when i typed away the number of people i wanted to get info from....

i have to reduce the number...

esp. since i was told that im not actually doing a thesis, its more like an individual group project. ive been walking around claiming that im doing a thesis - so embarassing...

so this coming wednesday, i will be presenting my proposal infront of the socio department...

i feel uneasy in my tummy just thinking about it..
both Mun and I have been avoiding this day the whole two semesters: if we have a choice we would definetely not present -- i do not think that presenting works for me.

i cannot think when all eyes are on me which means that i cannot contribute anything, or defend myself from criticisms and such, therefore, i cannot really say much because i will panic and then i will froze and in the end i will most definetely just nod my head and bow my head more than 90 degress down so low that the whole room will admit such awkward *sp? unpleasant uncomfortable aura until the session has no choice but to stop...

im not saying that i will cry, i believe i won't but my facial expression will show how much i am at lost with my work still, and how i KNOW im not good enough...

i cannot share my opinions when im put under the spotlight : they will never know what im really thinking about -- NEVER! its not something i can control or change, because i tried, and it doesnt work, ive been presenting things again and again in UBD and the only time when ill be VERY comfortable is when im prepared! and no one asks no questions...

when im caught off guard, ill stumble my way in trying my hardest to find the words to construct a sentence that would make sense and ALWAYS i ended up making a fool out of myself... suddenly 'speaking' seemed soo impossible to me.....

the words doenst match with each other....

i cannot even speak to my supervisor calmly.. sometimes i managed to make myself as comforable as possible that i ignore my problems with speaking... but it always comes back to me...

i think one of the reasons why i wanted to speak Korean was because i wanted to abandone english as my second language *as insane and impossible as it may sound* because there is A LOT OF ENGLIGH WORDS that I really do not know and understand... and MALAY, dont even get me started... i cannot speak both language seperately and fluently...

i figure if i learn another language, i can start from scratch.... and its okay not to understand words, because im new...

i wanted to be able to speak fluently in any language without stuttering *sp? w/o struggling to find the words in my head, and ended up constructing a terrible sentence that DOES NOT MAKE SENSE AND DOES NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION! - is Korean language the one for me? i do belive it will! it must be~

so im worried about presenting...

worst of all, i wasted 3 days thurs till saturday playing games, watching dvds and whatever else i was occupying myself with that today is sunday! and i have not fix my proposal!! i have to send it too my supervisor lateer today or early in the morning tomorrow or afternoon tomorrow so he might be able to look at it again before i go to my doomed~~

I CANNOT SEEM TO START WORKING!! what is the matter with me??...

i have not been updating this blog for so long now that im a lost of words on how to begin this post...


i have worked on my proposal finally! and i went to see my supervisor about it.

i have tons of mistakes and errors in my literature review section but my introduction and statement of problem was all right, i just need to fix some things here and there, other than that ive nothing to worry about in that section nor do i have anything to worry about for my methodology part of he proposal, but ima need to change some info coz' ive thought about hoe to collect my data; target informants and such almost every day, and ive decided that i was too ambitious before when i typed away the number of people i wanted to get info from....

i have to reduce the number...

esp. since i was told that im not actually doing a thesis, its more like an individual group project. ive been walking around claiming that im doing a thesis - so embarassing...

so this coming wednesday, i will be presenting my proposal infront of the socio department...

i feel uneasy in my tummy just thinking about it..
both Mun and I have been avoiding this day the whole two semesters: if we have a choice we would definetely not present -- i do not think that presenting works for me.

i cannot think when all eyes are on me which means that i cannot contribute anything, or defend myself from criticisms and such, therefore, i cannot really say much because i will panic and then i will froze and in the end i will most definetely just nod my head and bow my head more than 90 degress down so low that the whole room will admit such awkward *sp? unpleasant uncomfortable aura until the session has no choice but to stop...

im not saying that i will cry, i believe i won't but my facial expression will show how much i am at lost with my work still, and how i KNOW im not good enough...

i cannot share my opinions when im put under the spotlight : they will never know what im really thinking about -- NEVER! its not something i can control or change, because i tried, and it doesnt work, ive been presenting things again and again in UBD and the only time when ill be VERY comfortable is when im prepared! and no one asks no questions...

when im caught off guard, ill stumble my way in trying my hardest to find the words to construct a sentence that would make sense and ALWAYS i ended up making a fool out of myself... suddenly 'speaking' seemed soo impossible to me.....

the words doenst match with each other....

i cannot even speak to my supervisor calmly.. sometimes i managed to make myself as comforable as possible that i ignore my problems with speaking... but it always comes back to me...

i think one of the reasons why i wanted to speak Korean was because i wanted to abandone english as my second language *as insane and impossible as it may sound* because there is A LOT OF ENGLIGH WORDS that I really do not know and understand... and MALAY, dont even get me started... i cannot speak both language seperately and fluently...

i figure if i learn another language, i can start from scratch.... and its okay not to understand words, because im new...

i wanted to be able to speak fluently in any language without stuttering *sp? w/o struggling to find the words in my head, and ended up constructing a terrible sentence that DOES NOT MAKE SENSE AND DOES NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION! - is Korean language the one for me? i do belive it will! it must be~

so im worried about presenting...

worst of all, i wasted 3 days thurs till saturday playing games, watching dvds and whatever else i was occupying myself with that today is sunday! and i have not fix my proposal!! i have to send it too my supervisor lateer today or early in the morning tomorrow or afternoon tomorrow so he might be able to look at it again before i go to my doomed~~

I CANNOT SEEM TO START WORKING!! what is the matter with me??...